Ode to Jimmy Olsen, Superman's Best Pal

I would now like to recount for you (with 73% precision!) my recollection of the events which take place inside my favorite installment of the adventures of Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen, the greatest pal of a superhero known to modern literature (or anyone):

There is an evil genius who is angry at Superman. In a fit of evil, he gives Jimmy Olsen (cub reporter) Aquaman's powers! Jimmy Olsen becomes Jimmy Olsen, King of the Sea, and he swims around in a little furry bathing suit with all the maritime creatures who are now his friends.

Jimmy Olsen, King of the Sea (official royal portrait)

But disaster strikes! Jimmy is marooned on a desert island. Now that he has Aquaman's powers, he needs water to breathe! Jimmy might die!

Fortunately, his best friend Superman hears his desperate cries from hundreds of miles away and he flies over to save him. Conveniently, Superman flies through some clouds on his way, and the only water anywhere is the droplets of condensation dripping down Superman's boots.

This is an example of a very compromising position for our young hero

In order to survive, Jimmy is forced to lick the water off Superman's boots! Then they fly away somewhere and are best friends forever.

The End.

A Short Essay Outlining the Causes of the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957

It is common knowledge that astronauts are the laziest people ever (except, of course, for babies, whose laziness outweighs that of astronauts by 1700%, which is a very large number). That is why we send them into space. They are too lazy to stay on earth, but not cute enough to charm hard-working adults into caring for them.

As you surely remember, or at least learned in school, before the inception of the Space Program, people used to have to care for astronauts in their homes: brushing their teeth, rolling them daily to avoid bedsores, and worst of all, reading the newspaper out loud.

An unfortunate family burdened with the care of four Astronauts, 1955.

All of this changed during the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957, when ordinary people all across the nation got really fed up all at the same time and all the astronauts were summarily rounded up and shot into space. Thus coining the term "astronaut."

What is in this Mysterious Bottle?

What is in this mysterious bottle?

Is it:

a) Dr. Splurkington's Cordial Compound for the Relief of Female Maladies and Wifely Frigidity?

b) Nox's Goat Urine, Specially Prepared with Volatile Solids for Optimum Performance in All Satanic Rituals?

c) Jaundiced Cow Milk from our unfortunate neighbors at Buttercup Dairy Farm?

d) 6 oz. Mountain Dew, 12-year vintage?

e) Mrs. Hirsute's Guaranteed Werewolf Repellant with Real Wolf Solids?

Please respond at once!
I desperately await your expertise on this delicate matter.

What is NOT a True Fact

It saddens me deeply to learn that I have been branded a liar by certain miserable, ignorant academics here in the the greater Battle Creek area. These allegations are patently untrue. My sole mission is, and always has been, to improve the health and hygiene of others and to gain recognition for that. I will continue to move forward.

Cruelly branded

Mixed Meats and their Role in Neural Functioning

Brain health is as important as always, but there has been a terrifying trend of neural neglect in recent times. It has been proven, thus a true fact, that mixed meats provide the comprehensive nutrition your brain requires and are a fabulous preemptive measure against unfortunate conditions that can strike at any time. Here are some suggestions that that can be thriftily incorporated into your family’s supper repertoire.

Meat Conglomerate with Aspic-Pear Sauce

This dish of seven types of flesh stabilized with beef marrow feeds the part of your brain responsible for short-term patience, professionalism, and maths.

Pork and Offal Shavings with Sweet Headcheese Fondant

Always popular with children, this meal derives its sweetness from natural offal sugars. Its many important nutrients can improve near-sightedness, promote enzyme density and storage, and ward off seasonal pandemics.

Chipped Poultry Loaf and Livermush Spread

Easily made from any surplus poultry cuttings and chilled to form a gelatinous loaf, this dinner is perfect for strengthening weak muscles that cause post-nasal drip and encouraging the healing of minor necrotizing fasciitis wounds.

Boiled Cod Halves with Meat Slurry Sauce

This spicy dinner, packed with caloric energy, aids the flow of cerebrospinal fluid, can delay Early Onset Female Confusion Disorder, suppress wool allergies, and stunt hair growth.

Reconstituted Hog Maw Steaks with a Side of Suet Soup

A quick meal that can be stored in your pantry for years, reconstituted hog maw steaks will easily become your summer staple. The required extra chewing does wonders for strengthening a weak or diseased jaw and strips your teeth of plaque build-up and enamel.

Jellied Eel Snacks

Unfortunately, the children will want to come home from school when you start stocking jellied eels in your kitchen cupboards. A simple pine box can be easily fashioned to store several months worth of this healthful treat.

What Does a Man's Hairstyle Say About His Moral Character?

Medium Haircut with Center Part


Exceptionally brave, rarely punctual. May smell faintly of almonds.








Short Pompadour (Brush Part)


Fiercely loyal and protective.
Most likely Protestant.
May have difficulty recognizing facial expressions and social cues.






Long Pompadour with Long Sideburns



Enjoys long evenings in dark rooms thinking about dental surgery.










Long Trim



Allergic to bee stings, Calvinists and discussions regarding birth control.
Believes cattle mutilation is a moral "gray area."








Medium Pompadour with Pointed Sideburns


Amateur magician.

How Seances May Spread Consumption

Last night, Mrs. Vix and I attended a very strange affair known as a seance at the home of my dear friend, Mrs. Violetta Pinkhurst. The Medium, a Mr. Barrabas Scrivener, demonstrated a considerable talent for turning lights on and off and cracking his toes beneath the table.

We trembled and gasped politely, so as not to make the man feel unappreciated. Then Mr. Scrivener slowly turned his head to prodigiously vomit a wad of ectoplasm down the front of his shirt.

"Oh dear," I said. "How disgusting."

Types of Ectoplasm

It is a true fact that ectoplasm is 500 times more virulent than even the spit of a five-year old child!

Not only does it carry all of the ordinary germs present in human saliva (influenza, consumption, poor attitude), but it also contains all of the germs present in the Realm Beyond Death, including, but not limited to:

• Wailing Cough
• Religious Fever
• Heavy Clanking Chains That Must Be Dragged Across the Attic Floor
• Excessive Whining
• Infectious Transparency
  
• Borderline Personality Disorder

Remember, while spirits may cross the Divide as they choose, they rarely show the courtesy to bring along antibiotics.