Friday, July 31, 2009

Understanding Your Beef, A Helpful Guide

I have prepared the following chart for your continued improvement in all matters medico-metaphysical. I do hope it helps (although, in your case, I doubt it will do any good).

Sincerely, your dearest friend,
Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood

Friday, July 24, 2009

A Word of Caution Regarding Antitoxines and Word Usage

I would hope that most of you would have developed the sense to avoid wasting your money and health on worthless cures ubiquitously advertised, but my recent volume of mail has told me otherwise. If you do indeed lack sense and discernment, then you can at least (I can only hope) follow this one rule: Stay clear of remedies that attempt to reel in the consumer via puns and “jokes.”

Disease is not a joke. Also not a joke: death. What these malevolent, miserable, peddling humbugs fail to mention is that illness can be exacerbated by symptoms induced by laughing (hiccoughs, mild piles, rapid diaphragm contractions) and that when you most assuredly die a short time later, you will find that there is no laughter in hell.

Not a joker

You probably recall recently reading about the forced closure of L.D. Trimms Correspondence College for Therapeutic Laughology on the basis of false advertising. These same venomous hacks also appear to be advertising the falsity that “laughter is the best medicine.” In fact, in true fact, laughter is no sort of medicine at all.

The following are some commonly advertised remedies which you’ve undoubtedly seen. Please note that many of these have been formally warned or summoned to court in correlation with the US Food and Drug Act for false advertising, namely marketing a drug as a form of entertainment or joke.

Doctor Chubb’s Nose Salts
"Happily Ether After"

Famous Chicago Cold and Flu Liquid
"Look What the Catarrh Dragged In"

Quicker Hydro-Breath Improved System

"Aqua Lung, My Friend "

Rost Thridge Guaranteed Gout Remedy

"Shoo! Gout of here! "

Beckley’s Permanent Endocrine Problem Cure

"This Gland is Your Gland"

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Taming of John the Baptist, A Critical Review

Last evening, dear Mr. Thoroughgood and I had the unfortunate experience of viewing The Taming of John the Baptist, the most abhorrent piece of theatrical dreck that has ever existed.

Worse than last year's Ring my Bell! The Many Loves of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and more offensive than the Battle Creek Family Players' recent dramatization of Stryper's 1986 album To Hell with the Devil, last evening's entertainments have left me with the desire to fumigate my eyes. (Yes, it was even worse than Comstock! The Musical.)

Unfortunately, the director did not understand the subtle differences between Baptists and Boaters.

Charmed by the description of this "playful romantic romp with just a hint of religion," Mr. Thoroughgood and I trotted gullibly off to the playhouse. Idiots! We were idiots!

Local Medium and Battle Creek's single largest producer of ectoplasmic jellies, Mr. Barrabas Scrivener's portrayal of the title character might have been somewhat tolerable had he not spent the entire first act swimming in a shark tank. All of his lines had to be overdubbed by Charlie the Prop Boy from backstage.

Miss Vidalia Orpheum was quite stunning as Pansy Tankett, the fast-talking cabaret dancer, but her otherwise flawless performance was woefully impaired by the fact that she was stinking drunk. Mr. Thoroughgood counted seventeen times she fell of the stage. But what really tipped us off was her impromptu striptease in the middle of Sir Lancelot's pivotal "To kill myself or not to kill myself" speech, culminating in a wardrobe so tangled it took five stagehands to put her to rights.

The divine Miss Vidalia Orpheum mistaking Mr. Blinkums the Horse for her love interest.

The coup de grace, however, was director's fatal decision to move the setting of the play from Biblical Jerusalem to Colonial Jamestown. I don't know about you, but I was certainly not aware that there were so many cabarets and auto mechanics in Colonial America, not to mention several Knights of the Round Table! But who am I to deny others their breathtaking stupidity?

The Taming of John the Baptist will be playing Thursday through Sunday at 9pm and 11:30pm until the end of the month. I urge you all to avoid this monstrosity as though it were the most virulent consumption. In fact, I would rather you caught consumption that be subjected to this offal.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Gruel Recipes for the Infirm

Everyone knows that the best remedy for moderate in-home ills is gruel. An incredibly diverse food, knowing how to thriftily craft a few different gruels can also be handy if and when a certain whisky drinking husband has "accidentally" misplaced the children's lunch money whilst placing his fortnightly order of liquor growlers.

By far the most popular gruel (and tastiest, some would argue) uses pickled sweetbreads and alfalfa flour often combined with a fatty base, allowed to congeal, and eaten on a stick.

Healthful choice: a streetside gruel vendor
Medicated PEAS Porridge (hot or cold)
Unlike familiar pea porridges, this recipe does not actually use peas, but is a formula for a fail-safe and healthful gruel that can be made with common household herbs and chemicals found in any proper medicine hamper.
Simply select one each whose name corresponds with PEAS and mix into a pan of soaked and fermented oats, like so:
P: pennyroyal, phosphorus (granulated), powdered ipecac, etc.
E: extract of quassia, ether, emetic agent, etc.
A: antifungals, ash powder, acetone, etc.
S: sugar of milk, strychnin sulphate, spartein, etc.
For example, a popular mix for babies combines paraffin oil, egg powder, alkaline, and sour milk. Serve with a ramekin of Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup on the side for a complete worry-free morning meal.

Schoolhouse gruel tastings are always popular

Other well-loved gruels can be made with a base of sprouted rye soaked in camphor, then rinsed and mixed with sulfides and other desired ingredients.

Why I Hate Imaginary Friends

Did you know that over 43% of children today have an Imaginary Friend? This astounding figure is a sizable increase from the Middle Ages, when only 12% of children reported Imaginary Friends (this small number presumably due to the high mortality rates of the Imaginary Plague).

Studies have shown that most Imaginary Friends carry far less germs and bacteria than Actual Friends, and almost never have jelly on their faces. In fact, Imaginary Friends are physically unable to track dirt through a freshly steamed carpet, as they have no footprints!

But despite their obvious hygienic benefits, Imaginary Friends come with one significant drawback: they are (every single one of them!) unbelievably annoying. To illustrate this point, I have included several children's drawings of their irritating friends:

This Imaginary Friend had many special powers, including the ability to stay up all night singing London Bridge is Falling Down at the top of his lungs whilst simultaneously covering all the toilet seats in the house with peanut butter.

This Imaginary Friend enjoyed picking up garishly dressed, heavily-rouged girls in railway stations, and when they left in the morning, it was invariably discovered that they had used the last of the milk and stolen all the towels.

This Imaginary Friend once belonged to my nephew, Henry.
Le Mustash
was an Imaginary Friend of French extraction who spent most of his time lecturing young Henry (then 4) on the finer points of Derrida and Proust, and then surprising the entire family with 8 am pop quizzes.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Ode to Jimmy Olsen, Superman's Best Pal

I would now like to recount for you (with 73% precision!) my recollection of the events which take place inside my favorite installment of the adventures of Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen, the greatest pal of a superhero known to modern literature (or anyone):

There is an evil genius who is angry at Superman. In a fit of evil, he gives Jimmy Olsen (cub reporter) Aquaman's powers! Jimmy Olsen becomes Jimmy Olsen, King of the Sea, and he swims around in a little furry bathing suit with all the maritime creatures who are now his friends.

Jimmy Olsen, King of the Sea (official royal portrait)

But disaster strikes! Jimmy is marooned on a desert island. Now that he has Aquaman's powers, he needs water to breathe! Jimmy might die!

Fortunately, his best friend Superman hears his desperate cries from hundreds of miles away and he flies over to save him. Conveniently, Superman flies through some clouds on his way, and the only water anywhere is the droplets of condensation dripping down Superman's boots.

This is an example of a very compromising position for our young hero

In order to survive, Jimmy is forced to lick the water off Superman's boots!
Then they fly away somewhere and are best friends forever.

The End.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A Short Essay Outlining the Causes of the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957

It is common knowledge that astronauts are the laziest people ever (except, of course, for babies, whose laziness outweighs that of astronauts by 1700%, which is a very large number). That is why we send them into space. They are too lazy to stay on earth, but not cute enough to charm hard-working adults into caring for them.

As you surely remember, or at least learned in school, before the inception of the Space Program, people used to have to care for astronauts in their homes: brushing their teeth, rolling them daily to avoid bedsores, and worst of all, reading the newspaper out loud.

An unfortunate family burdened with the care of four Astronauts, 1955.

All of this changed during the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957, when ordinary people all across the nation got really fed up all at the same time and all the astronauts were summarily rounded up and shot into space. Thus coining the term "astronaut."

Saturday, July 11, 2009

What is in this Mysterious Bottle?

What is in this mysterious bottle?

Is it:

a) Dr. Splurkington's Cordial Compound for the Relief of Female Maladies and Wifely Frigidity?

b) Nox's Goat Urine, Specially Prepared with Volatile Solids for Optimum Performance in All Satanic Rituals?

c) Jaundiced Cow Milk from our unfortunate neighbors at Buttercup Dairy Farm?

d) 6 oz. Mountain Dew, 12-year vintage?

e) Mrs. Hirsute's Guaranteed Werewolf Repellant with Real Wolf Solids?

Please respond at once!
I desperately await your expertise on this delicate matter.

Friday, July 10, 2009

What is NOT a True Fact

It saddens me deeply to learn that I have been branded a liar by certain miserable, ignorant academics here in the the greater Battle Creek area. These allegations are patently untrue. My sole mission is, and always has been, to improve the health and hygiene of others and to gain recognition for that. I will continue to move forward.

Cruelly branded

Mixed Meats and their Role in Neural Functioning

Brain health is as important as always, but there has been a terrifying trend of neural neglect in recent times. It has been proven, thus a true fact, that mixed meats provide the comprehensive nutrition your brain requires and are a fabulous preemptive measure against unfortunate conditions that can strike at any time. Here are some suggestions that that can be thriftily incorporated into your family’s supper repertoire.

Meat Conglomerate with Aspic-Pear Sauce

This dish of seven types of flesh stabilized with beef marrow feeds the part of your brain responsible for short-term patience, professionalism, and maths.

Pork and Offal Shavings with Sweet Headcheese Fondant

Always popular with children, this meal derives its sweetness from natural offal sugars. Its many important nutrients can improve near-sightedness, promote enzyme density and storage, and ward off seasonal pandemics.

Chipped Poultry Loaf and Livermush Spread

Easily made from any surplus poultry cuttings and chilled to form a gelatinous loaf, this dinner is perfect for strengthening weak muscles that cause post-nasal drip and encouraging the healing of minor necrotizing fasciitis wounds.

Boiled Cod Halves with Meat Slurry Sauce

This spicy dinner, packed with caloric energy, aids the flow of cerebrospinal fluid, can delay Early Onset Female Confusion Disorder, suppress wool allergies, and stunt hair growth.

Reconstituted Hog Maw Steaks with a Side of Suet Soup

A quick meal that can be stored in your pantry for years, reconstituted hog maw steaks will easily become your summer staple. The required extra chewing does wonders for strengthening a weak or diseased jaw and strips your teeth of plaque build-up and enamel.

Jellied Eel Snacks

Unfortunately, the children will want to come home from school when you start stocking jellied eels in your kitchen cupboards. A simple pine box can be easily fashioned to store several months worth of this healthful treat.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

What Does a Man's Hairstyle Say About His Moral Character?

Medium Haircut with Center Part

Exceptionally brave, rarely punctual. May smell faintly of almonds.

Short Pompadour (Brush Part)

Fiercely loyal and protective.
Most likely Protestant.
May have difficulty recognizing facial expressions and social cues.

Long Pompadour with Long Sideburns

Enjoys long evenings in dark rooms thinking about dental surgery.

Long Trim

Allergic to bee stings, Calvinists and discussions regarding birth control.
Believes cattle mutilation is a moral "gray area."

Medium Pompadour with Pointed Sideburns

Amateur magician.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

How Seances May Spread Consumption

Last night, Mrs. Vix and I attended a very strange affair known as a seance at the home of my dear friend, Mrs. Violetta Pinkhurst. The Medium, a Mr. Barrabas Scrivener, demonstrated a considerable talent for turning lights on and off and cracking his toes beneath the table.

We trembled and gasped politely, so as not to make the man feel unappreciated. Then Mr. Scrivener slowly turned his head to prodigiously vomit a wad of ectoplasm down the front of his shirt.

"Oh dear," I said. "How disgusting."

Types of Ectoplasm

It is a true fact that ectoplasm is 500 times more virulent than even the spit of a five-year old child!

Not only does it carry all of the ordinary germs present in human saliva (influenza, consumption, poor attitude), but it also contains all of the germs present in the Realm Beyond Death, including, but not limited to:
  • Wailing Cough
  • Religious Fever
  • Heavy Clanking Chains That Must Be Dragged Across the Attic Floor
  • Excessive Whining
  • Infectious Transparency
  • Borderline Personality Disorder
Remember, while spirits may cross the Divide as they choose, they rarely show the courtesy to bring along antibiotics.

Key Ingredients to Health: Breeches Buoy

If you were to inventory the average person’s emergency supply hamper, you’d likely find some tinned protein solids, an astronaut space blanket, hopefully some water, and several yards of gauze bandages. Unfortunately, should there be flash floods or a complete breakdown of water damming systems due to government negligence, this average person would, at the very least, die. Ever since the National Cabinet of Nautical Emergency Preparedness was scrapped in favor of some sort of child services program, Americans have been drowning at an astounding rate, sometimes in their own backyard paddling pools, due to nautical negligence.

A proper fitting breeches buoy

I recommend that every American purchase their own breeches buoy and use it consistently, 12 to 24 hours per day. Breeches buoys are also an effective method of family planning and their purchase supports the Amalgamated Wicker Farmers Guild, as they are typically made with breathable woven wicker burlap.

A hard-working wicker farmer

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Safety and Health Reminders for Holidays

It's easy to get wrapped up in excitement and hoopla on holidays, especially those commemorating great Americans (see below post.) It is also easy to die. Please have the children take over the barbecue for a few moments while you read this quick refresher on basic holiday safety.

1. Avoid deadly smoke and fumes by wearing a protective mask.

A healthful barbecuing costume

It is always a good idea to wear a mask while barbecuing, which without is more or less the same thing as remaining in a burning house to cook a steak. Masks can also protect against Various Dreaded Flues, such as Swine Flu (bacon, stuck pig), Bird Flu (poultry, macaws), or SARS (anything a child has touched.)

2. Do not mix firecrackers and food.

Firecrackers contain absurd amounts of phosphorus, and by consuming just 1/10 of one firecracker tonight, you risk having advanced phossy jaw by the end of next week.

3. Do not let your pets pick up bad habits.

A bad combination

Leave them at home during fireworks shows. Dogs are very clever and often feign fear, which gives them ample time to take precise notes on how to create their own fireworks shows, which will inevitably take place in your kitchen. Don't give them this opportunity.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Great Americans in History

As I finished my preparations for tomorrow's Annual Independence Day Sack Race and Vitamin Buffet, I thought about the majestic bounty of our nation and those Great Americans we will honor tomorrow by eating barbecued ribs (truly, the Most Patriotic of Meats) and blowing stuff up.

Rutherford B. Hayes

Generally regarded as the most majestic of all Americans, President Hayes is best known for inventing both the telegraph machine and the transcontinental railroad. "I may be but a simple President," he was once quoted as saying, "but I can tell the difference between cat food and bear dung."

Anthony Comstock

Comstock was often credited as being the most voracious reader of pornographic materials of his day. In fact, during his career as United States Postal Inspector, he read over 300 tons of erotica each year. That's a lot of smut! His prolific notebooks later became known as The Internet.

Louisa May Alcott

The greatest American writer of all time, Louisa May Alcott is best known for her classic novel Showdown at Sunset Cavern, a riotous tale of Wild West intrigue and gunfights. An accomplished gunfighter herself, Miss Alcott singlehandedly won suffrage for American women after shooting the top hats off thirty Senators from a concealed position on the roof of Congress.


Inventor of Lesbianism. While not technically an American, I salute Sappho for her truly American spirit, certainly a rarity in Ancient Greece.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Why are Babies so Lazy?

Everyone knows that babies are the laziest people on earth. They are even lazier than astronauts, people in comas and Presidents.

What you may not know is why. Why are babies so lazy?

After much study, I have come upon four primary reasons:

1. We let them. When a doting parent responds to a baby's cry they are reinforcing their child's belief that if they lay there and scream, others will do their bidding. Thus, this kind of laziness is a learned behavior. Instead, parents should empower their infants with a sense of self-sufficiency and insist that they change their own diapers and scavenge their own dinner from nearby fields.

2. Niacin deficiency. Niacin is a very important vitamin, the deficiency of which can quickly lead to extremely low levels of niacin in the body.

A child with extreme niacin deficiency

3. Labor laws.

4. They are very tired. Perhaps it is early onset narcolepsy, or simple nervous exhaustion (from all that screaming), but roughly 45% of babies surveyed responded that they were lazy because they were "very, very tired."

Visually Identifying Childhood Ailments: A Guide

It is a true fact that most doctors simply won't work with children because they are too confusing. How do you determine what is normal childhood behavior and what is an indicator of disease and disorder? I, unlike doctors, have studied children and find it very important to share my findings.

This child appears to be playing with her pets as a normal child would. Here, the indicator of disorder is in the details - note the names she's given her animals. This is a clear indicator of either Early Onset Female Confusion Disorder or Hysteria, Illogical Thought Type.

This illustration shows a boy, clearly unaware of the background ruffians, feeding a dog a hat disguised as a large hamburger. The innocence and lack of awareness of impending peer pressure (background ruffians) indicates that this boy most assuredly has PICA by proxy as well as probably Seasonal Temperature Insensitivity.

This child attempts to write on a tablet of wood with a toy rubber snake. Note that he is also sitting atop his winter sledge indoors, indicating a lack of boundaries regarding keeping indoor activities indoors and outdoor activities where they belong, which is not indoors. He may have Recreational Disorganization Syndrome (treated much like dyslexia) or its more severe counterpart, Recreational Dissociation Disorder. There is no treatment for this unfortunate condition, and his parents will spend a lifetime redirecting him to not use household swords as cricket bats, griddles as juggling implements, and so on.

Here a child tows his infant sister on a sledge, whilst waving a ham hock. Some "specialists" may be tempted to lazily diagnose this boy with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. However, we can say that this child is most (or almost) certainly suffering from monorexia, a rare condition in which a child compulsively uses food given to them in every activity apart from eating. There have been several unfortunate cases in which the family failed to treat a child's monorexia and fell into staggering debt due to the sheer amount of food being expended during playtime, math lessons, and on laundry day.