Monday, June 29, 2009

Some Useful Charts

I have provided some useful charts for your edification:

Edie Flanders-Smock, who once was the picture of health; or, a Discussion on the Importance of Whole Health

My dear friend Edie Flanders-Smock passed this week, leaving behind a life that once was the perfect example of how truly wondrous health preparations, specifically my health preparations, can be. Feeling overwhelmed by the stresses of modern housewifery, I recommended to Edie my Vigor Stimulator Dehydrated Cocain Solids for Ladies. Within days, the results astounded - Edie found herself more capable of keeping a clean house, taking several brisk health walks per hour, and managed to do a year's worth of vegetable pickling within one evening. While Edie was taking perfect care of her obstacles to healthful energy, she neglected to take other preparations to improve other organs or preemptively treat the host of conditions women are subject to. I begged her to at least take some copper salts to delay the onset of locomotor ataxia, incorporate the juggling of Indian clubs to prevent trunk weakness, or take a reasonable daily dosage of ammonium bromide and saltpeter for neural fertility. Sadly, although Edie consumed 3 pints of Vigor Stimulator Dehydrated Cocain Solids for Ladies per day, it is not meant as a cure-all. Please learn from dear Edie's negligence and remember to treat your body wholly.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Golden Moments Tablets for the Prevention of Unwanted Pregnancy and Venereal Disease

Last evening my dear husband and I had a most fascinating conversation on the subject of biological reproduction. We had been passing a most pleasant evening playing gin rummy in bed when he broached a subject that had obviously been weighing on his mind since our wedding:

Mr. Thoroughgood: My dear Mrs. Thoroughgood, why must you persist in wearing your union suit to bed?

Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood: Why, to prevent unwanted pregnancy, of course!

Mr. Thoroughgood: But there must be less woolen means of birth control!

The thought startled me, my dear husband was right. I raced to my workshed and began mixing herbs. With a feverish determination I worked through the night, calculating, calcinating and carbonating until the light of knowledge was shining down upon me. Dear Readers, I now present to you my Golden Moments Tablets for the Prevention of Unwanted Pregnancy and Venereal Disease, Guaranteed Wool-Free Formula!

My Golden Moments Tablets are not only guaranteed to be 100% wool-free, but are specially designed to give your posterior a temporary added plumpness for your husband's pleasure. Available for immediate purchase! $1 for a bedside tin of 12 Tablets. $1.50 for 2.

Hope for Those Suffering Unfortunate Conditions of the Jaw

I cannot count how many people I've encountered within the last month desperately seeking a cure for lockjaw. I have not had time to develop a superior one myself, but until I do, you may follow this recipe:

Bensonhauer's Jaw Cure and Prevention Cream

Acid, citric 43 per cent (may substitute strychnin at 32 per cent)
Black salve 6 per cent
volatile solids 3 per cent
extractive of bladderwrack .9 per cent
generic gums .2 percent

Effectively treats and prevents lockjaw, phossy jaw, jaw toxicity, and jaws of death.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

How to Determine Blood Type by Simple Observation, an Addendum

O Positive:
O Negative:

In rare circumstances, a type O may develop blood cells so large they must be carried. There is no cure as this is a congenital condition. Special backpacks may be obtained with a doctor's prescription.

To all who prioritize health and hygiene, I applaud you

I have been getting scores of letters in the post as of late from those concerned about their health and wanting my advice regarding how to preemptively medicate or recover from their bodily ills. Also, they are probably wondering how I honed my medicinal skills. Well, dearest readers, here is some Important History.

As a child, my mum cared greatly for us 12 children, relentlessly pursuing our optimum well-being and never failing to keep the medicine cabinet stocked with Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup for colic, Paste of Heroin and Valerian for playtime, and Bonn's Cherry Flavoured Tryptophan Tablets for afternoon snacks. I began to keenly observe the maladies of females at the age of four, and my dear mum, ever supportive, purchased for me a hamper filled with medicines for me to begin mixing tonics. Other children my age had dress-up chests; I had a Toxic Tincture Trunk. I began treating my schoolmates with the hope of preemptively quashing female problems that tend to develop upon marriage or an extended period of housewifery. My first mixture administered was my Consumption and Thrombosis Prevention Powder and the effects were nothing short of amazing. My schoolmates, in what I can assume was overpowering vitality and health, did not even bother attending school for several weeks. I certainly do not condone skipping out on one's education to pursue recreational activities due to a surge of vigor, but I think this example can attest to the first-rate, frankly amazing, skills I have in developing health preparations. That year was the only year Shroeder P. Staatz Secondary School for Females held a summer session.

Friday, June 26, 2009

A word of WARNING for all loving wives

Do NOT under any circumstances let your husband wear his Galvanic Belt into the bathtub.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

How the West was Won

In 1933, after North Dakota's seventh unsuccessful attempt to secede from the Union, a strapping young sap by the name of Jeremiah Huppingfuss left his marigold farm for greener pastures (metaphorically). Although his family pretended to miss him, they did not and quickly sold off all of his property for drinking money and a Galvanic Belt.

A happy ending to be sure, but our story does not end there. For a fateful wrong turn at Albuquerque combined with a staggering disregard for street signs delivered young Jeremiah to Battle Creek, Michigan. There, he founded the New Believers' Assembly of Deuteronomy, the only church in the entire State of Michigan built of actual brimstone. Each Sunday, he led his congregation in meditation on such disparate subjects as the debauchery of tollbooth attendents, why the government wants you to brush your teeth, and King Kong: Man or Myth?

Eventually, he was chased out of town by an army of Darwinist rebels, but many of his informative filmstrips are still being shown in schools, particularly that one about the cartoon tooth who wants you to floss him. I love that film.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

How to Determine Blood Type by Simple Observation

Type A:

Type B:

Type AB:

Type O:

Has anyone seen my marching band?

I know I left them around here somewhere...

The History of Dear Friends and Honest Work

The loveliest Mrs. Thoroughgood and I met at Shroeder P. Staatz Secondary School for Females, now located on the outskirts of Battle Creek. Back in those days, no one understood how to manage adolescents with extraordinary intelligence and reasoning, so we both were thus held back on many occasions. We too, and perhaps not understanding our intelligence ourselves, often feigned, sometimes unconsciously, academic ineptitude. We graduated aged 25 and 27, respectively, and were far wiser than our tender years. Upon graduating, Mrs. Thoroughgood had already invented, patented, marketed, and sold her first two health cereals, WickerWheat Squares and Neuro-Nutri Milk Fat Muesli. I graduated with eight years of independent research concerning diseases of women and convalescence, having already administered my Standard Oxygenating Wellness Formula to dozens of neurasthenically affected ladies.

While there, we founded the Young Ladies Hygiene Alert League, which managed to test, document, and graph the blood types of every student and faculty member. We were truly pioneers in this arena; no other league comprised of women in secondary school seeking to improve overall community health via blood type testing existed at the time. Since then, as I’m sure you’re well aware, many like groups have been established—The Co-Ed Public Health Coalition, Hygienic Knowledge Committee of Battle Creek, and the Campaign for Health Cognizance and Personal Bodily Soundness.

Of Introductions and the Timely Demises of Husbands

I am Mrs. Calphurnia Vix. As you probably guessed, I was widowed shortly after the timely death of my husband, Alfred Umble Vix, who passed at the ripe age of 39. A truly fortunate event, Alfred’s death serves as an example of the dangers of alcohol when one neglects to make their health and hygiene a priority. Alfred was very secretive in his Vile Habits, indulging in brews of sulphuric gin nearly hourly without my knowledge or permission. At least this is what I have calculated, as I rarely observed his imbibing. Every day I dutifully administered to him my Special Liver Renovator and Vitalizer Preparation, but even the best and most trusted cures could not reverse the damage of drink. I recommend this preparation to anyone who values personal health and hygiene. It is, in fact, in true fact, endorsed by my dear friend Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood and many Medical Doctors. Because the hygiene of others is my utmost responsibility, I will provide for you the recipe. All ingredients can be easily found at your neighborhood hygienic grocery or mail ordered from Dr. Vickelsenn’s Mail Order Health Supplies and Sundries.

My Special Liver Renovator and Vitalizer Preparation

Grain alcohol 67 per cent
Milk sugar 2 per cent
Adler’s Laudanum Soothing Syrup .8 per cent
Ammoniated mercury .6 per cent
Volatile solids .6 per cent

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Know Your Poisonous Flowers

Recently, a dear friend of mine, Miss Ronella Abernathy, perished very suddenly and without warning. The cause of her demise? A small flower given to Miss Abernathy by an ardent yet very stupid suitor, who was not aware that the bloom he pinned to her collar was not a pansy, but mortibellum morticarum, better known as Undertaker's Delight. Perhaps the most poisonous flower west of Shanghai, it exudes an odorless vapor capable of bringing death to any human within an approximate range of 18 inches (distance may vary slightly due to wind conditions).

Inhalation of its fumes induces several distressing symptoms: First, the unsuspecting victim will experience a tingling of the palms and soles of the feet, followed by a sensation of weightlessness and extreme well-being. Soon, the victim will grow terribly cold with an extreme thirst that can only be quenched by pure grain alcohol. It is unknown whether the victims ultimately perish due to the toxins of the flower itself, or because of the vast quantities of spirits they inevitably consume. Morticians are invariably overjoyed to receive a body in such a state, as it means there is very little pickling left for them to do, and they can knock off early and go sailing.

True Facts #1

  1. The vast majority of fish wives are not in fact fish.
  2. Laziness is the number one cause of death in America.
  3. Hundreds of ships are sunk each year due to talkative gossip-mongerers.
  4. My dear friend Mrs. Violetta Pinkhurst occasionally suffers from violent dyspepsia.
  5. Also, this same Mrs. Pinkhurst often boasts of the irresistible effect of her bodily physique on young men. In fact, I have had occasion to overhear at least three of the gentlemen in question discuss said physique in no flattering tones, and apparently the lady's charms are quite resistible indeed.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Simple Poultice for Minor Flesh Wounds

Whenever good Mr. Thoroughgood falls down the stairs, I run to the pantry and mix up a quick batch of my patented Simple Poultice for Minor Flesh Wounds (please note: not to be used on Major Flesh Wounds, non-Flesh Wounds whether Major or Minor, or accidental amputation).

3 large eggs (beaten soundly)
1/4 tsp cumin
1/2 cup cool water
1 headache tablet
1/3 cup salmon paste

Grind headache tablet and combine with powdered cumin. Add eggs and mix thoroughly. In a separate bowl, combine water and salmon paste. Heat the salmon-water with a blowdryer for ten minutes, then combine with the rest of ingredients.

The result should resemble this drawing of tongue-in-aspic:

My husband loves this poultice and I know yours will too!

A Short Introduction (to Everything)

Good evening, and welcome to A Universal History of Everything, the world's foremost compendium of both true facts and facts that are true. I am so excited to share with you my vast knowledge that I am, as my dear friend Mrs. Violetta Pinkhurst would say, puffed up like an organ grinder's organ. I'm sure I have no idea what that means.

But you are not interested in Mrs. Pinkhurst! No, you are here because you are interested in Health. Health and Healthfulness, as I always say. The two go hand-in-hand! (If you'll look closely, you'll even see that the words share six of the same letters!) And I, of course, am the very picture of Health.

Rising at 4:45 most mornings, I march out to greet the dawn from the stately lawns of our stately estate. Clad in my union suit and heavy woolen socks, I cue the marching band, and to the uplifting blasts of John Philip Sousa, I conduct my morning calisthenics, shouting with the french horns and counting along to the beats. At six, I pour a bucket of cold water over my head and make use of my antiseptic preparations (more details on my patented antiseptic preparations at a future time). For thirty minutes of quiet reflection I think about cereal, and then off I go to rouse good Mr. Thoroughgood from his twin bed. Because good Mr. Thoroughgood is not hard of hearing, he is most often already awake and cursing (not just because of the Sousa, but because the marching band stores its cymbals underneath his bed).

We dress in natural, breathable fibers (I recommend wicker for its tremendous breathability) and then dine heartily on a breakfast of Shredded Oatmeal doused in pasteurized milk. Generally, Mr. Thoroughgood then goes back to bed and I scoot off to the woodshed to practice my Phlebotomy. When the sun is at its peak, I wake Mr. Thoroughgood up for lunch. He drinks a glass of whisky to keep his strength up, and while we eat I read aloud the choicest selections from the most recent Hygienic Homemaker or the Journal of Unusual Disorders. Then I walk the fifteen miles into town. Whether it's a meeting of the Battle Creek Society for the Improved Hygiene of Other People or going door-to-door testing blood types, for an accomplished woman of Science such as myself, there is always work to be done.

I strongly believe in the merits of a diet based in three things: fish oil, cumin, and milkfat. With this triumvirate of nutrition, one may reasonably expect to outlive even their greatest grandchildren! It is my recommendation that every loving wife and mother should never serve a meal that does not include a combination of these three Key Ingredients to Health. In fact, I never invent a cereal that does not include all three (note: except for Ham Crunchies, which substitutes an artificial milkfat-like substance for added freshness and coloring).

And why is that, you ask?

The answer is simple: because I do not hate you. And I do not hate your family either. I wish you all a long life full of longevity during which I hope you will purchase a great deal of cereal and condescend to have your blood type tested if I should knock on your door, even if you already know what blood type you are.

That is why I will share my knowledge with you.