Last evening my dear husband and I had a most fascinating conversation on the subject of biological reproduction. We had been passing a most pleasant evening playing gin rummy in bed when he broached a subject that had obviously been weighing on his mind since our wedding:
Mr. Thoroughgood: My dear Mrs. Thoroughgood, why must you persist in wearing your union suit to bed?
Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood: Why, to prevent unwanted pregnancy, of course!
Mr. Thoroughgood: But there must be less woolen means of birth control!
The thought startled me, my dear husband was right. I raced to my workshed and began mixing herbs. With a feverish determination I worked through the night, calculating, calcinating and carbonating until the light of knowledge was shining down upon me. Dear Readers, I now present to you my Golden Moments Tablets for the Prevention of Unwanted Pregnancy and Venereal Disease, Guaranteed Wool-Free Formula!
My Golden Moments Tablets are not only guaranteed to be 100% wool-free, but are specially designed to give your posterior a temporary added plumpness for your husband's pleasure. Available for immediate purchase! $1 for a bedside tin of 12 Tablets. $1.50 for 2.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Hope for Those Suffering Unfortunate Conditions of the Jaw
I cannot count how many people I've encountered within the last month desperately seeking a cure for lockjaw. I have not had time to develop a superior one myself, but until I do, you may follow this recipe:
Bensonhauer's Jaw Cure and Prevention Cream
Acid, citric 43 per cent (may substitute strychnin at 32 per cent)
Black salve 6 per cent
volatile solids 3 per cent
extractive of bladderwrack .9 per cent
generic gums .2 percent
Effectively treats and prevents lockjaw, phossy jaw, jaw toxicity, and jaws of death.
Bensonhauer's Jaw Cure and Prevention Cream
Acid, citric 43 per cent (may substitute strychnin at 32 per cent)
Black salve 6 per cent
volatile solids 3 per cent
extractive of bladderwrack .9 per cent
generic gums .2 percent
Effectively treats and prevents lockjaw, phossy jaw, jaw toxicity, and jaws of death.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
How to Determine Blood Type by Simple Observation, an Addendum
O Positive:
O Negative:
In rare circumstances, a type O may develop blood cells so large they must be carried. There is no cure as this is a congenital condition. Special backpacks may be obtained with a doctor's prescription.
O Negative:
In rare circumstances, a type O may develop blood cells so large they must be carried. There is no cure as this is a congenital condition. Special backpacks may be obtained with a doctor's prescription.
To all who prioritize health and hygiene, I applaud you
I have been getting scores of letters in the post as of late from those concerned about their health and wanting my advice regarding how to preemptively medicate or recover from their bodily ills. Also, they are probably wondering how I honed my medicinal skills. Well, dearest readers, here is some Important History.
As a child, my mum cared greatly for us 12 children, relentlessly pursuing our optimum well-being and never failing to keep the medicine cabinet stocked with Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup for colic, Paste of Heroin and Valerian for playtime, and Bonn's Cherry Flavoured Tryptophan Tablets for afternoon snacks. I began to keenly observe the maladies of females at the age of four, and my dear mum, ever supportive, purchased for me a hamper filled with medicines for me to begin mixing tonics. Other children my age had dress-up chests; I had a Toxic Tincture Trunk. I began treating my schoolmates with the hope of preemptively quashing female problems that tend to develop upon marriage or an extended period of housewifery. My first mixture administered was my Consumption and Thrombosis Prevention Powder and the effects were nothing short of amazing. My schoolmates, in what I can assume was overpowering vitality and health, did not even bother attending school for several weeks. I certainly do not condone skipping out on one's education to pursue recreational activities due to a surge of vigor, but I think this example can attest to the first-rate, frankly amazing, skills I have in developing health preparations. That year was the only year Shroeder P. Staatz Secondary School for Females held a summer session.
As a child, my mum cared greatly for us 12 children, relentlessly pursuing our optimum well-being and never failing to keep the medicine cabinet stocked with Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup for colic, Paste of Heroin and Valerian for playtime, and Bonn's Cherry Flavoured Tryptophan Tablets for afternoon snacks. I began to keenly observe the maladies of females at the age of four, and my dear mum, ever supportive, purchased for me a hamper filled with medicines for me to begin mixing tonics. Other children my age had dress-up chests; I had a Toxic Tincture Trunk. I began treating my schoolmates with the hope of preemptively quashing female problems that tend to develop upon marriage or an extended period of housewifery. My first mixture administered was my Consumption and Thrombosis Prevention Powder and the effects were nothing short of amazing. My schoolmates, in what I can assume was overpowering vitality and health, did not even bother attending school for several weeks. I certainly do not condone skipping out on one's education to pursue recreational activities due to a surge of vigor, but I think this example can attest to the first-rate, frankly amazing, skills I have in developing health preparations. That year was the only year Shroeder P. Staatz Secondary School for Females held a summer session.
Friday, June 26, 2009
A word of WARNING for all loving wives
Do NOT under any circumstances let your husband wear his Galvanic Belt into the bathtub.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
How the West was Won
In 1933, after North Dakota's seventh unsuccessful attempt to secede from the Union, a strapping young sap by the name of Jeremiah Huppingfuss left his marigold farm for greener pastures (metaphorically). Although his family pretended to miss him, they did not and quickly sold off all of his property for drinking money and a Galvanic Belt.
A happy ending to be sure, but our story does not end there. For a fateful wrong turn at Albuquerque combined with a staggering disregard for street signs delivered young Jeremiah to Battle Creek, Michigan. There, he founded the New Believers' Assembly of Deuteronomy, the only church in the entire State of Michigan built of actual brimstone. Each Sunday, he led his congregation in meditation on such disparate subjects as the debauchery of tollbooth attendents, why the government wants you to brush your teeth, and King Kong: Man or Myth?
Eventually, he was chased out of town by an army of Darwinist rebels, but many of his informative filmstrips are still being shown in schools, particularly that one about the cartoon tooth who wants you to floss him. I love that film.
A happy ending to be sure, but our story does not end there. For a fateful wrong turn at Albuquerque combined with a staggering disregard for street signs delivered young Jeremiah to Battle Creek, Michigan. There, he founded the New Believers' Assembly of Deuteronomy, the only church in the entire State of Michigan built of actual brimstone. Each Sunday, he led his congregation in meditation on such disparate subjects as the debauchery of tollbooth attendents, why the government wants you to brush your teeth, and King Kong: Man or Myth?
Eventually, he was chased out of town by an army of Darwinist rebels, but many of his informative filmstrips are still being shown in schools, particularly that one about the cartoon tooth who wants you to floss him. I love that film.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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