Thursday, June 25, 2009

How the West was Won

In 1933, after North Dakota's seventh unsuccessful attempt to secede from the Union, a strapping young sap by the name of Jeremiah Huppingfuss left his marigold farm for greener pastures (metaphorically). Although his family pretended to miss him, they did not and quickly sold off all of his property for drinking money and a Galvanic Belt.

A happy ending to be sure, but our story does not end there. For a fateful wrong turn at Albuquerque combined with a staggering disregard for street signs delivered young Jeremiah to Battle Creek, Michigan. There, he founded the New Believers' Assembly of Deuteronomy, the only church in the entire State of Michigan built of actual brimstone. Each Sunday, he led his congregation in meditation on such disparate subjects as the debauchery of tollbooth attendents, why the government wants you to brush your teeth, and King Kong: Man or Myth?

Eventually, he was chased out of town by an army of Darwinist rebels, but many of his informative filmstrips are still being shown in schools, particularly that one about the cartoon tooth who wants you to floss him. I love that film.


  1. Ah, brings back fond childhood memories of when my dear mum would sprinkle crushed brimstone in our soup to strengthen our digestive organs.

  2. Your mother was a fine woman. I was so sorry to hear that her parole was once again declined.