Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Know Your Poisonous Flowers

Recently, a dear friend of mine, Miss Ronella Abernathy, perished very suddenly and without warning. The cause of her demise? A small flower given to Miss Abernathy by an ardent yet very stupid suitor, who was not aware that the bloom he pinned to her collar was not a pansy, but mortibellum morticarum, better known as Undertaker's Delight. Perhaps the most poisonous flower west of Shanghai, it exudes an odorless vapor capable of bringing death to any human within an approximate range of 18 inches (distance may vary slightly due to wind conditions).

Inhalation of its fumes induces several distressing symptoms: First, the unsuspecting victim will experience a tingling of the palms and soles of the feet, followed by a sensation of weightlessness and extreme well-being. Soon, the victim will grow terribly cold with an extreme thirst that can only be quenched by pure grain alcohol. It is unknown whether the victims ultimately perish due to the toxins of the flower itself, or because of the vast quantities of spirits they inevitably consume. Morticians are invariably overjoyed to receive a body in such a state, as it means there is very little pickling left for them to do, and they can knock off early and go sailing.

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