Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Of Introductions and the Timely Demises of Husbands

I am Mrs. Calphurnia Vix. As you probably guessed, I was widowed shortly after the timely death of my husband, Alfred Umble Vix, who passed at the ripe age of 39. A truly fortunate event, Alfred’s death serves as an example of the dangers of alcohol when one neglects to make their health and hygiene a priority. Alfred was very secretive in his Vile Habits, indulging in brews of sulphuric gin nearly hourly without my knowledge or permission. At least this is what I have calculated, as I rarely observed his imbibing. Every day I dutifully administered to him my Special Liver Renovator and Vitalizer Preparation, but even the best and most trusted cures could not reverse the damage of drink. I recommend this preparation to anyone who values personal health and hygiene. It is, in fact, in true fact, endorsed by my dear friend Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood and many Medical Doctors. Because the hygiene of others is my utmost responsibility, I will provide for you the recipe. All ingredients can be easily found at your neighborhood hygienic grocery or mail ordered from Dr. Vickelsenn’s Mail Order Health Supplies and Sundries.

My Special Liver Renovator and Vitalizer Preparation

Grain alcohol 67 per cent
Milk sugar 2 per cent
Adler’s Laudanum Soothing Syrup .8 per cent
Ammoniated mercury .6 per cent
Volatile solids .6 per cent

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