Monday, June 29, 2009

Edie Flanders-Smock, who once was the picture of health; or, a Discussion on the Importance of Whole Health

My dear friend Edie Flanders-Smock passed this week, leaving behind a life that once was the perfect example of how truly wondrous health preparations, specifically my health preparations, can be. Feeling overwhelmed by the stresses of modern housewifery, I recommended to Edie my Vigor Stimulator Dehydrated Cocain Solids for Ladies. Within days, the results astounded - Edie found herself more capable of keeping a clean house, taking several brisk health walks per hour, and managed to do a year's worth of vegetable pickling within one evening. While Edie was taking perfect care of her obstacles to healthful energy, she neglected to take other preparations to improve other organs or preemptively treat the host of conditions women are subject to. I begged her to at least take some copper salts to delay the onset of locomotor ataxia, incorporate the juggling of Indian clubs to prevent trunk weakness, or take a reasonable daily dosage of ammonium bromide and saltpeter for neural fertility. Sadly, although Edie consumed 3 pints of Vigor Stimulator Dehydrated Cocain Solids for Ladies per day, it is not meant as a cure-all. Please learn from dear Edie's negligence and remember to treat your body wholly.

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