Great Americans in History

As I finished my preparations for tomorrow's Annual Independence Day Sack Race and Vitamin Buffet, I thought about the majestic bounty of our nation and those Great Americans we will honor tomorrow by eating barbecued ribs (truly, the Most Patriotic of Meats) and blowing stuff up.

Rutherford B. Hayes

Generally regarded as the most majestic of all Americans, President Hayes is best known for inventing both the telegraph machine and the transcontinental railroad. "I may be but a simple President," he was once quoted as saying, "but I can tell the difference between cat food and bear dung."

Anthony Comstock

Comstock was often credited as being the most voracious reader of pornographic materials of his day. In fact, during his career as United States Postal Inspector, he read over 300 tons of erotica each year. That's a lot of smut! His prolific notebooks later became known as The Internet.

Louisa May Alcott

The greatest American writer of all time, Louisa May Alcott is best known for her classic novel Showdown at Sunset Cavern, a riotous tale of Wild West intrigue and gunfights. An accomplished gunfighter herself, Miss Alcott singlehandedly won suffrage for American women after shooting the top hats off thirty Senators from a concealed position on the roof of Congress.

Sappho

Inventor of Lesbianism. While not technically an American, I salute Sappho for her truly American spirit, certainly a rarity in Ancient Greece.