Friday, July 24, 2009

A Word of Caution Regarding Antitoxines and Word Usage

I would hope that most of you would have developed the sense to avoid wasting your money and health on worthless cures ubiquitously advertised, but my recent volume of mail has told me otherwise. If you do indeed lack sense and discernment, then you can at least (I can only hope) follow this one rule: Stay clear of remedies that attempt to reel in the consumer via puns and “jokes.”

Disease is not a joke. Also not a joke: death. What these malevolent, miserable, peddling humbugs fail to mention is that illness can be exacerbated by symptoms induced by laughing (hiccoughs, mild piles, rapid diaphragm contractions) and that when you most assuredly die a short time later, you will find that there is no laughter in hell.

Not a joker

You probably recall recently reading about the forced closure of L.D. Trimms Correspondence College for Therapeutic Laughology on the basis of false advertising. These same venomous hacks also appear to be advertising the falsity that “laughter is the best medicine.” In fact, in true fact, laughter is no sort of medicine at all.

The following are some commonly advertised remedies which you’ve undoubtedly seen. Please note that many of these have been formally warned or summoned to court in correlation with the US Food and Drug Act for false advertising, namely marketing a drug as a form of entertainment or joke.

Doctor Chubb’s Nose Salts
"Happily Ether After"

Famous Chicago Cold and Flu Liquid
"Look What the Catarrh Dragged In"

Quicker Hydro-Breath Improved System

"Aqua Lung, My Friend "

Rost Thridge Guaranteed Gout Remedy

"Shoo! Gout of here! "

Beckley’s Permanent Endocrine Problem Cure

"This Gland is Your Gland"


  1. Butterfied Tiberius WinningthropeJuly 28, 2009 at 4:06 PM

    Dear Ms. Vix,

    Though I respect your wont to inform the public on matters of consumer safety and protection from the false claims of certain spurious remedies, the fact remains that you best serve the public interest by heaving your typewriter back into the pit of Tartarus where it belongs! Forgive me for for being so dramatic, but after the repeated lashing by your libelous typebars, I cannot help but retort your claims about my Famous Chicago Flu and Cold Liquid.

    The flu and cold liquid that many know today to cure and remedy even the most vicious "ear fear" was originally developed by my father, Chicago Winningthorpe, who made a name for himself (and a small fortune) marketing a warm bicarbonate "pox dip" guaranteed to alive the symptoms of what was known at the time as the The French Disease. After a very profitable tour of the Eastern Seaboard accusations were levied against my father's remedy that it left the patient in a worse disposition and accelerated the spread of legions and rash. Though no credible evidence was given (beyond several handfuls of anecdotal accounts), level headed reason gave way to mob hysteria and my father's bank accounts were emptied and he was forced out of town. As news of my father's prosecution spread across the East Coast, he was branded with the epithet "Infamous Chicago." Distraught over his fall from fortune into the annals infamy, Chicago Winningthorpe died a penniless man at the age of 48 and almost completely forgotten.

    Though broke, my father did bequeath one item of particular interest to me: his "medical satchel" which contained detailed notes and planetary illustrations for a new elixir sulfanilamide he had been developing before his prosecution. Aroused by the idea of finishing my farther's work and restoring his name to its former distinction, I set work on completing the elixir meant to combat the hazard of mucus buildup which inhibits the proper ebb and flow of the bodily humors in tune with patient's astrological alignments. The end result of my labors I named "Famous Chicago Flu and Cold Liquid" as a jab to the fourth estate who dared libel my father's great name.

    Since that day, we have been supplying a legitimate professional demand and adults and children have been reaping the benefits of an elixir sold under a name you can trust: Famous Chicago!

    I gladly await your retraction and kind apologies.

    -Butterfield Tiberius Winningthorpe

  2. Dear Sir:

    It is never my policy to bestow upon hysterics forgiveness, as you've requested I do. Thank you for added information regarding the history of your "company" (or are you branding it a "medical institute"?) that has allowed me to do more thorough research on your mail order frauds, assisted by my local postman. This matter shall be publicly addressed, allowing also for your rebuttal, soon.