Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Visually Identifying Childhood Ailments: A Guide

It is a true fact that most doctors simply won't work with children because they are too confusing. How do you determine what is normal childhood behavior and what is an indicator of disease and disorder? I, unlike doctors, have studied children and find it very important to share my findings.

This child appears to be playing with her pets as a normal child would. Here, the indicator of disorder is in the details - note the names she's given her animals. This is a clear indicator of either Early Onset Female Confusion Disorder or Hysteria, Illogical Thought Type.

This illustration shows a boy, clearly unaware of the background ruffians, feeding a dog a hat disguised as a large hamburger. The innocence and lack of awareness of impending peer pressure (background ruffians) indicates that this boy most assuredly has PICA by proxy as well as probably Seasonal Temperature Insensitivity.

This child attempts to write on a tablet of wood with a toy rubber snake. Note that he is also sitting atop his winter sledge indoors, indicating a lack of boundaries regarding keeping indoor activities indoors and outdoor activities where they belong, which is not indoors. He may have Recreational Disorganization Syndrome (treated much like dyslexia) or its more severe counterpart, Recreational Dissociation Disorder. There is no treatment for this unfortunate condition, and his parents will spend a lifetime redirecting him to not use household swords as cricket bats, griddles as juggling implements, and so on.

Here a child tows his infant sister on a sledge, whilst waving a ham hock. Some "specialists" may be tempted to lazily diagnose this boy with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. However, we can say that this child is most (or almost) certainly suffering from monorexia, a rare condition in which a child compulsively uses food given to them in every activity apart from eating. There have been several unfortunate cases in which the family failed to treat a child's monorexia and fell into staggering debt due to the sheer amount of food being expended during playtime, math lessons, and on laundry day.

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