Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Why I Hate Imaginary Friends

Did you know that over 43% of children today have an Imaginary Friend? This astounding figure is a sizable increase from the Middle Ages, when only 12% of children reported Imaginary Friends (this small number presumably due to the high mortality rates of the Imaginary Plague).

Studies have shown that most Imaginary Friends carry far less germs and bacteria than Actual Friends, and almost never have jelly on their faces. In fact, Imaginary Friends are physically unable to track dirt through a freshly steamed carpet, as they have no footprints!

But despite their obvious hygienic benefits, Imaginary Friends come with one significant drawback: they are (every single one of them!) unbelievably annoying. To illustrate this point, I have included several children's drawings of their irritating friends:

This Imaginary Friend had many special powers, including the ability to stay up all night singing London Bridge is Falling Down at the top of his lungs whilst simultaneously covering all the toilet seats in the house with peanut butter.

This Imaginary Friend enjoyed picking up garishly dressed, heavily-rouged girls in railway stations, and when they left in the morning, it was invariably discovered that they had used the last of the milk and stolen all the towels.

This Imaginary Friend once belonged to my nephew, Henry.
Le Mustash
was an Imaginary Friend of French extraction who spent most of his time lecturing young Henry (then 4) on the finer points of Derrida and Proust, and then surprising the entire family with 8 am pop quizzes.

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