A Short Essay Outlining the Causes of the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957

It is common knowledge that astronauts are the laziest people ever (except, of course, for babies, whose laziness outweighs that of astronauts by 1700%, which is a very large number). That is why we send them into space. They are too lazy to stay on earth, but not cute enough to charm hard-working adults into caring for them.

As you surely remember, or at least learned in school, before the inception of the Space Program, people used to have to care for astronauts in their homes: brushing their teeth, rolling them daily to avoid bedsores, and worst of all, reading the newspaper out loud.

An unfortunate family burdened with the care of four Astronauts, 1955.

All of this changed during the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957, when ordinary people all across the nation got really fed up all at the same time and all the astronauts were summarily rounded up and shot into space. Thus coining the term "astronaut."

To all who prioritize health and hygiene, I applaud you

I have been getting scores of letters in the post as of late from those concerned about their health and wanting my advice regarding how to preemptively medicate or recover from their bodily ills. Also, they are probably wondering how I honed my medicinal skills. Well, dearest readers, here is some Important History.

As a child, my mum cared greatly for us 12 children, relentlessly pursuing our optimum well-being and never failing to keep the medicine cabinet stocked with Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup for colic, Paste of Heroin and Valerian for playtime, and Bonn's Cherry Flavoured Tryptophan Tablets for afternoon snacks. I began to keenly observe the maladies of females at the age of four, and my dear mum, ever supportive, purchased for me a hamper filled with medicines for me to begin mixing tonics. Other children my age had dress-up chests; I had a Toxic Tincture Trunk. I began treating my schoolmates with the hope of preemptively quashing female problems that tend to develop upon marriage or an extended period of housewifery. My first mixture administered was my Consumption and Thrombosis Prevention Powder and the effects were nothing short of amazing. My schoolmates, in what I can assume was overpowering vitality and health, did not even bother attending school for several weeks. I certainly do not condone skipping out on one's education to pursue recreational activities due to a surge of vigor, but I think this example can attest to the first-rate, frankly amazing, skills I have in developing health preparations. That year was the only year Shroeder P. Staatz Secondary School for Females held a summer session.