Gruel Recipes for the Infirm

Everyone knows that the best remedy for moderate in-home ills is gruel. An incredibly diverse food, knowing how to thriftily craft a few different gruels can also be handy if and when a certain whisky drinking husband has "accidentally" misplaced the children's lunch money whilst placing his fortnightly order of liquor growlers.

By far the most popular gruel (and tastiest, some would argue) uses pickled sweetbreads and alfalfa flour often combined with a fatty base, allowed to congeal, and eaten on a stick.

Healthful choice: a streetside gruel vendor

.

Medicated PEAS Porridge (hot or cold)

.

Unlike familiar pea porridges, this recipe does not actually use peas, but is a formula for a fail-safe and healthful gruel that can be made with common household herbs and chemicals found in any proper medicine hamper.

Simply select one each whose name corresponds with PEAS and mix into a pan of soaked and fermented oats, like so:

.

P: pennyroyal, phosphorus (granulated), powdered ipecac, etc.

E: extract of quassia, ether, emetic agent, etc.

A: antifungals, ash powder, acetone, etc.

S: sugar of milk, strychnin sulphate, spartein, etc.

.

For example, a popular mix for babies combines paraffin oil, egg powder, alkaline, and sour milk. Serve with a ramekin of Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup on the side for a complete worry-free morning meal.

Schoolhouse gruel tastings are always popular

Other well-loved gruels can be made with a base of sprouted rye soaked in camphor, then rinsed and mixed with sulfides and other desired ingredients.

What is in this Mysterious Bottle?

What is in this mysterious bottle?

Is it:

a) Dr. Splurkington's Cordial Compound for the Relief of Female Maladies and Wifely Frigidity?

b) Nox's Goat Urine, Specially Prepared with Volatile Solids for Optimum Performance in All Satanic Rituals?

c) Jaundiced Cow Milk from our unfortunate neighbors at Buttercup Dairy Farm?

d) 6 oz. Mountain Dew, 12-year vintage?

e) Mrs. Hirsute's Guaranteed Werewolf Repellant with Real Wolf Solids?

Please respond at once!
I desperately await your expertise on this delicate matter.

Edie Flanders-Smock, who once was the picture of health; or, a Discussion on the Importance of Whole Health

My dear friend Edie Flanders-Smock passed this week, leaving behind a life that once was the perfect example of how truly wondrous health preparations, specifically my health preparations, can be. Feeling overwhelmed by the stresses of modern housewifery, I recommended to Edie my Vigor Stimulator Dehydrated Cocain Solids for Ladies. Within days, the results astounded - Edie found herself more capable of keeping a clean house, taking several brisk health walks per hour, and managed to do a year's worth of vegetable pickling within one evening. While Edie was taking perfect care of her obstacles to healthful energy, she neglected to take other preparations to improve other organs or preemptively treat the host of conditions women are subject to. I begged her to at least take some copper salts to delay the onset of locomotor ataxia, incorporate the juggling of Indian clubs to prevent trunk weakness, or take a reasonable daily dosage of ammonium bromide and saltpeter for neural fertility. Sadly, although Edie consumed 3 pints of Vigor Stimulator Dehydrated Cocain Solids for Ladies per day, it is not meant as a cure-all. Please learn from dear Edie's negligence and remember to treat your body wholly.

Golden Moments Tablets for the Prevention of Unwanted Pregnancy and Venereal Disease

Last evening my dear husband and I had a most fascinating conversation on the subject of biological reproduction. We had been passing a most pleasant evening playing gin rummy in bed when he broached a subject that had obviously been weighing on his mind since our wedding:

Mr. Thoroughgood: My dear Mrs. Thoroughgood, why must you persist in wearing your union suit to bed?

Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood: Why, to prevent unwanted pregnancy, of course!

Mr. Thoroughgood: But there must be less woolen means of birth control!

The thought startled me, my dear husband was right. I raced to my workshed and began mixing herbs. With a feverish determination I worked through the night, calculating, calcinating and carbonating until the light of knowledge was shining down upon me. Dear Readers, I now present to you my Golden Moments Tablets for the Prevention of Unwanted Pregnancy and Venereal Disease, Guaranteed Wool-Free Formula!

My Golden Moments Tablets are not only guaranteed to be 100% wool-free, but are specially designed to give your posterior a temporary added plumpness for your husband's pleasure. Available for immediate purchase! $1 for a bedside tin of 12 Tablets. $1.50 for 2.

Hope for Those Suffering Unfortunate Conditions of the Jaw

I cannot count how many people I've encountered within the last month desperately seeking a cure for lockjaw. I have not had time to develop a superior one myself, but until I do, you may follow this recipe:

Bensonhauer's Jaw Cure and Prevention Cream

Acid, citric 43 per cent (may substitute strychnin at 32 per cent)
Black salve 6 per cent
volatile solids 3 per cent
extractive of bladderwrack .9 per cent
generic gums .2 percent

Effectively treats and prevents lockjaw, phossy jaw, jaw toxicity, and jaws of death.

To all who prioritize health and hygiene, I applaud you

I have been getting scores of letters in the post as of late from those concerned about their health and wanting my advice regarding how to preemptively medicate or recover from their bodily ills. Also, they are probably wondering how I honed my medicinal skills. Well, dearest readers, here is some Important History.

As a child, my mum cared greatly for us 12 children, relentlessly pursuing our optimum well-being and never failing to keep the medicine cabinet stocked with Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup for colic, Paste of Heroin and Valerian for playtime, and Bonn's Cherry Flavoured Tryptophan Tablets for afternoon snacks. I began to keenly observe the maladies of females at the age of four, and my dear mum, ever supportive, purchased for me a hamper filled with medicines for me to begin mixing tonics. Other children my age had dress-up chests; I had a Toxic Tincture Trunk. I began treating my schoolmates with the hope of preemptively quashing female problems that tend to develop upon marriage or an extended period of housewifery. My first mixture administered was my Consumption and Thrombosis Prevention Powder and the effects were nothing short of amazing. My schoolmates, in what I can assume was overpowering vitality and health, did not even bother attending school for several weeks. I certainly do not condone skipping out on one's education to pursue recreational activities due to a surge of vigor, but I think this example can attest to the first-rate, frankly amazing, skills I have in developing health preparations. That year was the only year Shroeder P. Staatz Secondary School for Females held a summer session.

Of Introductions and the Timely Demises of Husbands

I am Mrs. Calphurnia Vix. As you probably guessed, I was widowed shortly after the timely death of my husband, Alfred Umble Vix, who passed at the ripe age of 39. A truly fortunate event, Alfred’s death serves as an example of the dangers of alcohol when one neglects to make their health and hygiene a priority. Alfred was very secretive in his Vile Habits, indulging in brews of sulphuric gin nearly hourly without my knowledge or permission. At least this is what I have calculated, as I rarely observed his imbibing. Every day I dutifully administered to him my Special Liver Renovator and Vitalizer Preparation, but even the best and most trusted cures could not reverse the damage of drink. I recommend this preparation to anyone who values personal health and hygiene. It is, in fact, in true fact, endorsed by my dear friend Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood and many Medical Doctors. Because the hygiene of others is my utmost responsibility, I will provide for you the recipe. All ingredients can be easily found at your neighborhood hygienic grocery or mail ordered from Dr. Vickelsenn’s Mail Order Health Supplies and Sundries.

My Special Liver Renovator and Vitalizer Preparation

Grain alcohol 67 per cent
Milk sugar 2 per cent
Adler’s Laudanum Soothing Syrup .8 per cent
Ammoniated mercury .6 per cent
Volatile solids .6 per cent