Understanding Your Beef, A Helpful Guide

I have prepared the following chart for your continued improvement in all matters medico-metaphysical. I do hope it helps (although, in your case, I doubt it will do any good).

Sincerely, your dearest friend,
Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood

A Word of Caution Regarding Antitoxines and Word Usage

I would hope that most of you would have developed the sense to avoid wasting your money and health on worthless cures ubiquitously advertised, but my recent volume of mail has told me otherwise. If you do indeed lack sense and discernment, then you can at least (I can only hope) follow this one rule: Stay clear of remedies that attempt to reel in the consumer via puns and “jokes.”

Disease is not a joke. Also not a joke: death. What these malevolent, miserable, peddling humbugs fail to mention is that illness can be exacerbated by symptoms induced by laughing (hiccoughs, mild piles, rapid diaphragm contractions) and that when you most assuredly die a short time later, you will find that there is no laughter in hell.

Not a joker

You probably recall recently reading about the forced closure of L.D. Trimms Correspondence College for Therapeutic Laughology on the basis of false advertising. These same venomous hacks also appear to be advertising the falsity that “laughter is the best medicine.” In fact, in true fact, laughter is no sort of medicine at all.

The following are some commonly advertised remedies which you’ve undoubtedly seen. Please note that many of these have been formally warned or summoned to court in correlation with the US Food and Drug Act for false advertising, namely marketing a drug as a form of entertainment or joke.

Doctor Chubb’s Nose Salts

"Happily Ether After"

Famous Chicago Cold and Flu Liquid

"Look What the Catarrh Dragged In"

Quicker Hydro-Breath Improved System

"Aqua Lung, My Friend "

Rost Thridge Guaranteed Gout Remedy

"Shoo! Gout of here! "

Beckley’s Permanent Endocrine Problem Cure

"This Gland is Your Gland"

What Does a Man's Hairstyle Say About His Moral Character?

Medium Haircut with Center Part


Exceptionally brave, rarely punctual. May smell faintly of almonds.








Short Pompadour (Brush Part)


Fiercely loyal and protective.
Most likely Protestant.
May have difficulty recognizing facial expressions and social cues.






Long Pompadour with Long Sideburns



Enjoys long evenings in dark rooms thinking about dental surgery.










Long Trim



Allergic to bee stings, Calvinists and discussions regarding birth control.
Believes cattle mutilation is a moral "gray area."








Medium Pompadour with Pointed Sideburns


Amateur magician.

Safety and Health Reminders for Holidays

It's easy to get wrapped up in excitement and hoopla on holidays, especially those commemorating great Americans (see below post.) It is also easy to die. Please have the children take over the barbecue for a few moments while you read this quick refresher on basic holiday safety.

1. Avoid deadly smoke and fumes by wearing a protective mask.

A healthful barbecuing costume

It is always a good idea to wear a mask while barbecuing, which without is more or less the same thing as remaining in a burning house to cook a steak. Masks can also protect against Various Dreaded Flues, such as Swine Flu (bacon, stuck pig), Bird Flu (poultry, macaws), or SARS (anything a child has touched.)

2. Do not mix firecrackers and food.


Firecrackers contain absurd amounts of phosphorus, and by consuming just 1/10 of one firecracker tonight, you risk having advanced phossy jaw by the end of next week.

3. Do not let your pets pick up bad habits.

A bad combination

Leave them at home during fireworks shows. Dogs are very clever and often feign fear, which gives them ample time to take precise notes on how to create their own fireworks shows, which will inevitably take place in your kitchen. Don't give them this opportunity.

Visually Identifying Childhood Ailments: A Guide

It is a true fact that most doctors simply won't work with children because they are too confusing. How do you determine what is normal childhood behavior and what is an indicator of disease and disorder? I, unlike doctors, have studied children and find it very important to share my findings.

This child appears to be playing with her pets as a normal child would. Here, the indicator of disorder is in the details - note the names she's given her animals. This is a clear indicator of either Early Onset Female Confusion Disorder or Hysteria, Illogical Thought Type.

This illustration shows a boy, clearly unaware of the background ruffians, feeding a dog a hat disguised as a large hamburger. The innocence and lack of awareness of impending peer pressure (background ruffians) indicates that this boy most assuredly has PICA by proxy as well as probably Seasonal Temperature Insensitivity.


This child attempts to write on a tablet of wood with a toy rubber snake. Note that he is also sitting atop his winter sledge indoors, indicating a lack of boundaries regarding keeping indoor activities indoors and outdoor activities where they belong, which is not indoors. He may have Recreational Disorganization Syndrome (treated much like dyslexia) or its more severe counterpart, Recreational Dissociation Disorder. There is no treatment for this unfortunate condition, and his parents will spend a lifetime redirecting him to not use household swords as cricket bats, griddles as juggling implements, and so on.


Here a child tows his infant sister on a sledge, whilst waving a ham hock. Some "specialists" may be tempted to lazily diagnose this boy with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. However, we can say that this child is most (or almost) certainly suffering from monorexia, a rare condition in which a child compulsively uses food given to them in every activity apart from eating. There have been several unfortunate cases in which the family failed to treat a child's monorexia and fell into staggering debt due to the sheer amount of food being expended during playtime, math lessons, and on laundry day.