How Seances May Spread Consumption

Last night, Mrs. Vix and I attended a very strange affair known as a seance at the home of my dear friend, Mrs. Violetta Pinkhurst. The Medium, a Mr. Barrabas Scrivener, demonstrated a considerable talent for turning lights on and off and cracking his toes beneath the table.

We trembled and gasped politely, so as not to make the man feel unappreciated. Then Mr. Scrivener slowly turned his head to prodigiously vomit a wad of ectoplasm down the front of his shirt.

"Oh dear," I said. "How disgusting."

Types of Ectoplasm

It is a true fact that ectoplasm is 500 times more virulent than even the spit of a five-year old child!

Not only does it carry all of the ordinary germs present in human saliva (influenza, consumption, poor attitude), but it also contains all of the germs present in the Realm Beyond Death, including, but not limited to:

• Wailing Cough
• Religious Fever
• Heavy Clanking Chains That Must Be Dragged Across the Attic Floor
• Excessive Whining
• Infectious Transparency
  
• Borderline Personality Disorder

Remember, while spirits may cross the Divide as they choose, they rarely show the courtesy to bring along antibiotics.

Safety and Health Reminders for Holidays

It's easy to get wrapped up in excitement and hoopla on holidays, especially those commemorating great Americans (see below post.) It is also easy to die. Please have the children take over the barbecue for a few moments while you read this quick refresher on basic holiday safety.

1. Avoid deadly smoke and fumes by wearing a protective mask.

A healthful barbecuing costume

It is always a good idea to wear a mask while barbecuing, which without is more or less the same thing as remaining in a burning house to cook a steak. Masks can also protect against Various Dreaded Flues, such as Swine Flu (bacon, stuck pig), Bird Flu (poultry, macaws), or SARS (anything a child has touched.)

2. Do not mix firecrackers and food.


Firecrackers contain absurd amounts of phosphorus, and by consuming just 1/10 of one firecracker tonight, you risk having advanced phossy jaw by the end of next week.

3. Do not let your pets pick up bad habits.

A bad combination

Leave them at home during fireworks shows. Dogs are very clever and often feign fear, which gives them ample time to take precise notes on how to create their own fireworks shows, which will inevitably take place in your kitchen. Don't give them this opportunity.

Some Useful Charts

I have provided some useful charts for your edification:

Of Introductions and the Timely Demises of Husbands

I am Mrs. Calphurnia Vix. As you probably guessed, I was widowed shortly after the timely death of my husband, Alfred Umble Vix, who passed at the ripe age of 39. A truly fortunate event, Alfred’s death serves as an example of the dangers of alcohol when one neglects to make their health and hygiene a priority. Alfred was very secretive in his Vile Habits, indulging in brews of sulphuric gin nearly hourly without my knowledge or permission. At least this is what I have calculated, as I rarely observed his imbibing. Every day I dutifully administered to him my Special Liver Renovator and Vitalizer Preparation, but even the best and most trusted cures could not reverse the damage of drink. I recommend this preparation to anyone who values personal health and hygiene. It is, in fact, in true fact, endorsed by my dear friend Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood and many Medical Doctors. Because the hygiene of others is my utmost responsibility, I will provide for you the recipe. All ingredients can be easily found at your neighborhood hygienic grocery or mail ordered from Dr. Vickelsenn’s Mail Order Health Supplies and Sundries.

My Special Liver Renovator and Vitalizer Preparation

Grain alcohol 67 per cent
Milk sugar 2 per cent
Adler’s Laudanum Soothing Syrup .8 per cent
Ammoniated mercury .6 per cent
Volatile solids .6 per cent