Understanding Your Beef, A Helpful Guide

I have prepared the following chart for your continued improvement in all matters medico-metaphysical. I do hope it helps (although, in your case, I doubt it will do any good).

Sincerely, your dearest friend,
Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood

Safety and Health Reminders for Holidays

It's easy to get wrapped up in excitement and hoopla on holidays, especially those commemorating great Americans (see below post.) It is also easy to die. Please have the children take over the barbecue for a few moments while you read this quick refresher on basic holiday safety.

1. Avoid deadly smoke and fumes by wearing a protective mask.

A healthful barbecuing costume

It is always a good idea to wear a mask while barbecuing, which without is more or less the same thing as remaining in a burning house to cook a steak. Masks can also protect against Various Dreaded Flues, such as Swine Flu (bacon, stuck pig), Bird Flu (poultry, macaws), or SARS (anything a child has touched.)

2. Do not mix firecrackers and food.


Firecrackers contain absurd amounts of phosphorus, and by consuming just 1/10 of one firecracker tonight, you risk having advanced phossy jaw by the end of next week.

3. Do not let your pets pick up bad habits.

A bad combination

Leave them at home during fireworks shows. Dogs are very clever and often feign fear, which gives them ample time to take precise notes on how to create their own fireworks shows, which will inevitably take place in your kitchen. Don't give them this opportunity.

Great Americans in History

As I finished my preparations for tomorrow's Annual Independence Day Sack Race and Vitamin Buffet, I thought about the majestic bounty of our nation and those Great Americans we will honor tomorrow by eating barbecued ribs (truly, the Most Patriotic of Meats) and blowing stuff up.

Rutherford B. Hayes

Generally regarded as the most majestic of all Americans, President Hayes is best known for inventing both the telegraph machine and the transcontinental railroad. "I may be but a simple President," he was once quoted as saying, "but I can tell the difference between cat food and bear dung."

Anthony Comstock

Comstock was often credited as being the most voracious reader of pornographic materials of his day. In fact, during his career as United States Postal Inspector, he read over 300 tons of erotica each year. That's a lot of smut! His prolific notebooks later became known as The Internet.

Louisa May Alcott

The greatest American writer of all time, Louisa May Alcott is best known for her classic novel Showdown at Sunset Cavern, a riotous tale of Wild West intrigue and gunfights. An accomplished gunfighter herself, Miss Alcott singlehandedly won suffrage for American women after shooting the top hats off thirty Senators from a concealed position on the roof of Congress.

Sappho

Inventor of Lesbianism. While not technically an American, I salute Sappho for her truly American spirit, certainly a rarity in Ancient Greece.