Famous Chicago Cold and Flu Liquid: A Follow-Up

Some time back I issued a warning regarding certain companies to avoid. One B. T. Winningthorpe (alternate spelling: Winningthrope) took offense and wrote to me some sort of rambling family saga of loose associations and some rather boring and mostly irrelevant history. I believe he was under the impression that I would extract some sort of sympathy for him from this tale and understand his "reasons" about why his business has gone awry. Further independent investigations by myself and my loyal postman have revealed that the Famous Chicago brand is actually the third incarnation of what was originally Blythe Corn Syrup Factory and Corn Medicine Shoppe. You may remember this product:

Bythe Corn and Sulfate Starch Thrombosis Powders:

"As Sulfate Would Have It"

It was quickly removed from druggist's shelves for false advertising (as a joke or entertainment, per the US Food and Drug Act.)

Next came Improved Chicago Lung Paste:

"Expectorant Only the Best"

This product too was forcibly discontinued for mislabeling. It was, in fact, not improved and was determined to be more of a salve than a paste.

I make no apologies for providing the public with true facts and certainly make no apologies to groveling humbugs. Or hysterics.

A Word of Caution Regarding Antitoxines and Word Usage

I would hope that most of you would have developed the sense to avoid wasting your money and health on worthless cures ubiquitously advertised, but my recent volume of mail has told me otherwise. If you do indeed lack sense and discernment, then you can at least (I can only hope) follow this one rule: Stay clear of remedies that attempt to reel in the consumer via puns and “jokes.”

Disease is not a joke. Also not a joke: death. What these malevolent, miserable, peddling humbugs fail to mention is that illness can be exacerbated by symptoms induced by laughing (hiccoughs, mild piles, rapid diaphragm contractions) and that when you most assuredly die a short time later, you will find that there is no laughter in hell.

Not a joker

You probably recall recently reading about the forced closure of L.D. Trimms Correspondence College for Therapeutic Laughology on the basis of false advertising. These same venomous hacks also appear to be advertising the falsity that “laughter is the best medicine.” In fact, in true fact, laughter is no sort of medicine at all.

The following are some commonly advertised remedies which you’ve undoubtedly seen. Please note that many of these have been formally warned or summoned to court in correlation with the US Food and Drug Act for false advertising, namely marketing a drug as a form of entertainment or joke.

Doctor Chubb’s Nose Salts

"Happily Ether After"

Famous Chicago Cold and Flu Liquid

"Look What the Catarrh Dragged In"

Quicker Hydro-Breath Improved System

"Aqua Lung, My Friend "

Rost Thridge Guaranteed Gout Remedy

"Shoo! Gout of here! "

Beckley’s Permanent Endocrine Problem Cure

"This Gland is Your Gland"

What Does a Man's Hairstyle Say About His Moral Character?

Medium Haircut with Center Part


Exceptionally brave, rarely punctual. May smell faintly of almonds.








Short Pompadour (Brush Part)


Fiercely loyal and protective.
Most likely Protestant.
May have difficulty recognizing facial expressions and social cues.






Long Pompadour with Long Sideburns



Enjoys long evenings in dark rooms thinking about dental surgery.










Long Trim



Allergic to bee stings, Calvinists and discussions regarding birth control.
Believes cattle mutilation is a moral "gray area."








Medium Pompadour with Pointed Sideburns


Amateur magician.