Understanding Your Beef, A Helpful Guide

I have prepared the following chart for your continued improvement in all matters medico-metaphysical. I do hope it helps (although, in your case, I doubt it will do any good).

Sincerely, your dearest friend,
Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood

Gruel Recipes for the Infirm

Everyone knows that the best remedy for moderate in-home ills is gruel. An incredibly diverse food, knowing how to thriftily craft a few different gruels can also be handy if and when a certain whisky drinking husband has "accidentally" misplaced the children's lunch money whilst placing his fortnightly order of liquor growlers.

By far the most popular gruel (and tastiest, some would argue) uses pickled sweetbreads and alfalfa flour often combined with a fatty base, allowed to congeal, and eaten on a stick.

Healthful choice: a streetside gruel vendor

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Medicated PEAS Porridge (hot or cold)

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Unlike familiar pea porridges, this recipe does not actually use peas, but is a formula for a fail-safe and healthful gruel that can be made with common household herbs and chemicals found in any proper medicine hamper.

Simply select one each whose name corresponds with PEAS and mix into a pan of soaked and fermented oats, like so:

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P: pennyroyal, phosphorus (granulated), powdered ipecac, etc.

E: extract of quassia, ether, emetic agent, etc.

A: antifungals, ash powder, acetone, etc.

S: sugar of milk, strychnin sulphate, spartein, etc.

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For example, a popular mix for babies combines paraffin oil, egg powder, alkaline, and sour milk. Serve with a ramekin of Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup on the side for a complete worry-free morning meal.

Schoolhouse gruel tastings are always popular

Other well-loved gruels can be made with a base of sprouted rye soaked in camphor, then rinsed and mixed with sulfides and other desired ingredients.

Key Ingredients to Health: Breeches Buoy

If you were to inventory the average person’s emergency supply hamper, you’d likely find some tinned protein solids, an astronaut space blanket, hopefully some water, and several yards of gauze bandages. Unfortunately, should there be flash floods or a complete breakdown of water damming systems due to government negligence, this average person would, at the very least, die. Ever since the National Cabinet of Nautical Emergency Preparedness was scrapped in favor of some sort of child services program, Americans have been drowning at an astounding rate, sometimes in their own backyard paddling pools, due to nautical negligence.

A proper fitting breeches buoy

I recommend that every American purchase their own breeches buoy and use it consistently, 12 to 24 hours per day. Breeches buoys are also an effective method of family planning and their purchase supports the Amalgamated Wicker Farmers Guild, as they are typically made with breathable woven wicker burlap.

A hard-working wicker farmer

A Short Introduction (to Everything)

Good evening, and welcome to A Universal History of Everything, the world's foremost compendium of both true facts and facts that are true. I am so excited to share with you my vast knowledge that I am, as my dear friend Mrs. Violetta Pinkhurst would say, puffed up like an organ grinder's organ. I'm sure I have no idea what that means.

But you are not interested in Mrs. Pinkhurst! No, you are here because you are interested in Health. Health and Healthfulness, as I always say. The two go hand-in-hand! (If you'll look closely, you'll even see that the words share six of the same letters!) And I, of course, am the very picture of Health.

Rising at 4:45 most mornings, I march out to greet the dawn from the stately lawns of our stately estate. Clad in my union suit and heavy woolen socks, I cue the marching band, and to the uplifting blasts of John Philip Sousa, I conduct my morning calisthenics, shouting with the french horns and counting along to the beats. At six, I pour a bucket of cold water over my head and make use of my antiseptic preparations (more details on my patented antiseptic preparations at a future time). For thirty minutes of quiet reflection I think about cereal, and then off I go to rouse good Mr. Thoroughgood from his twin bed. Because good Mr. Thoroughgood is not hard of hearing, he is most often already awake and cursing (not just because of the Sousa, but because the marching band stores its cymbals underneath his bed).

We dress in natural, breathable fibers (I recommend wicker for its tremendous breathability) and then dine heartily on a breakfast of Shredded Oatmeal doused in pasteurized milk. Generally, Mr. Thoroughgood then goes back to bed and I scoot off to the woodshed to practice my Phlebotomy. When the sun is at its peak, I wake Mr. Thoroughgood up for lunch. He drinks a glass of whisky to keep his strength up, and while we eat I read aloud the choicest selections from the most recent Hygienic Homemaker or the Journal of Unusual Disorders. Then I walk the fifteen miles into town. Whether it's a meeting of the Battle Creek Society for the Improved Hygiene of Other People or going door-to-door testing blood types, for an accomplished woman of Science such as myself, there is always work to be done.

I strongly believe in the merits of a diet based in three things: fish oil, cumin, and milkfat. With this triumvirate of nutrition, one may reasonably expect to outlive even their greatest grandchildren! It is my recommendation that every loving wife and mother should never serve a meal that does not include a combination of these three Key Ingredients to Health. In fact, I never invent a cereal that does not include all three (note: except for Ham Crunchies, which substitutes an artificial milkfat-like substance for added freshness and coloring).

And why is that, you ask?

The answer is simple: because I do not hate you. And I do not hate your family either. I wish you all a long life full of longevity during which I hope you will purchase a great deal of cereal and condescend to have your blood type tested if I should knock on your door, even if you already know what blood type you are.

That is why I will share my knowledge with you.