Safety and Health Reminders for Holidays

It's easy to get wrapped up in excitement and hoopla on holidays, especially those commemorating great Americans (see below post.) It is also easy to die. Please have the children take over the barbecue for a few moments while you read this quick refresher on basic holiday safety.

1. Avoid deadly smoke and fumes by wearing a protective mask.

A healthful barbecuing costume

It is always a good idea to wear a mask while barbecuing, which without is more or less the same thing as remaining in a burning house to cook a steak. Masks can also protect against Various Dreaded Flues, such as Swine Flu (bacon, stuck pig), Bird Flu (poultry, macaws), or SARS (anything a child has touched.)

2. Do not mix firecrackers and food.


Firecrackers contain absurd amounts of phosphorus, and by consuming just 1/10 of one firecracker tonight, you risk having advanced phossy jaw by the end of next week.

3. Do not let your pets pick up bad habits.

A bad combination

Leave them at home during fireworks shows. Dogs are very clever and often feign fear, which gives them ample time to take precise notes on how to create their own fireworks shows, which will inevitably take place in your kitchen. Don't give them this opportunity.

Hope for Those Suffering Unfortunate Conditions of the Jaw

I cannot count how many people I've encountered within the last month desperately seeking a cure for lockjaw. I have not had time to develop a superior one myself, but until I do, you may follow this recipe:

Bensonhauer's Jaw Cure and Prevention Cream

Acid, citric 43 per cent (may substitute strychnin at 32 per cent)
Black salve 6 per cent
volatile solids 3 per cent
extractive of bladderwrack .9 per cent
generic gums .2 percent

Effectively treats and prevents lockjaw, phossy jaw, jaw toxicity, and jaws of death.

Simple Poultice for Minor Flesh Wounds

Whenever good Mr. Thoroughgood falls down the stairs, I run to the pantry and mix up a quick batch of my patented Simple Poultice for Minor Flesh Wounds (please note: not to be used on Major Flesh Wounds, non-Flesh Wounds whether Major or Minor, or accidental amputation).

Ingredients:
3 large eggs (beaten soundly)
1/4 tsp cumin
1/2 cup cool water
1 headache tablet
1/3 cup salmon paste

Grind headache tablet and combine with powdered cumin. Add eggs and mix thoroughly. In a separate bowl, combine water and salmon paste. Heat the salmon-water with a blowdryer for ten minutes, then combine with the rest of ingredients.

The result should resemble this drawing of tongue-in-aspic:



My husband loves this poultice and I know yours will too!