A Short Essay Outlining the Causes of the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957

It is common knowledge that astronauts are the laziest people ever (except, of course, for babies, whose laziness outweighs that of astronauts by 1700%, which is a very large number). That is why we send them into space. They are too lazy to stay on earth, but not cute enough to charm hard-working adults into caring for them.

As you surely remember, or at least learned in school, before the inception of the Space Program, people used to have to care for astronauts in their homes: brushing their teeth, rolling them daily to avoid bedsores, and worst of all, reading the newspaper out loud.

An unfortunate family burdened with the care of four Astronauts, 1955.

All of this changed during the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957, when ordinary people all across the nation got really fed up all at the same time and all the astronauts were summarily rounded up and shot into space. Thus coining the term "astronaut."

True Facts #1

1. The vast majority of fish wives are not in fact fish.
2. Laziness is the number one cause of death in America.
3. Hundreds of ships are sunk each year due to talkative gossip-mongerers.
4. My dear friend Mrs. Violetta Pinkhurst occasionally suffers from violent dyspepsia.
5. Also, this same Mrs. Pinkhurst often boasts of the irresistible effect of her bodily physique on young men. In fact, I have had occasion to overhear at least three of the gentlemen in question discuss said physique in no flattering tones, and apparently the lady's charms are quite resistible indeed.