To all who prioritize health and hygiene, I applaud you

I have been getting scores of letters in the post as of late from those concerned about their health and wanting my advice regarding how to preemptively medicate or recover from their bodily ills. Also, they are probably wondering how I honed my medicinal skills. Well, dearest readers, here is some Important History.

As a child, my mum cared greatly for us 12 children, relentlessly pursuing our optimum well-being and never failing to keep the medicine cabinet stocked with Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup for colic, Paste of Heroin and Valerian for playtime, and Bonn's Cherry Flavoured Tryptophan Tablets for afternoon snacks. I began to keenly observe the maladies of females at the age of four, and my dear mum, ever supportive, purchased for me a hamper filled with medicines for me to begin mixing tonics. Other children my age had dress-up chests; I had a Toxic Tincture Trunk. I began treating my schoolmates with the hope of preemptively quashing female problems that tend to develop upon marriage or an extended period of housewifery. My first mixture administered was my Consumption and Thrombosis Prevention Powder and the effects were nothing short of amazing. My schoolmates, in what I can assume was overpowering vitality and health, did not even bother attending school for several weeks. I certainly do not condone skipping out on one's education to pursue recreational activities due to a surge of vigor, but I think this example can attest to the first-rate, frankly amazing, skills I have in developing health preparations. That year was the only year Shroeder P. Staatz Secondary School for Females held a summer session.

The History of Dear Friends and Honest Work

The loveliest Mrs. Thoroughgood and I met at Shroeder P. Staatz Secondary School for Females, now located on the outskirts of Battle Creek. Back in those days, no one understood how to manage adolescents with extraordinary intelligence and reasoning, so we both were thus held back on many occasions. We too, and perhaps not understanding our intelligence ourselves, often feigned, sometimes unconsciously, academic ineptitude. We graduated aged 25 and 27, respectively, and were far wiser than our tender years. Upon graduating, Mrs. Thoroughgood had already invented, patented, marketed, and sold her first two health cereals, WickerWheat Squares and Neuro-Nutri Milk Fat Muesli. I graduated with eight years of independent research concerning diseases of women and convalescence, having already administered my Standard Oxygenating Wellness Formula to dozens of neurasthenically affected ladies.

While there, we founded the Young Ladies Hygiene Alert League, which managed to test, document, and graph the blood types of every student and faculty member. We were truly pioneers in this arena; no other league comprised of women in secondary school seeking to improve overall community health via blood type testing existed at the time. Since then, as I’m sure you’re well aware, many like groups have been established—The Co-Ed Public Health Coalition, Hygienic Knowledge Committee of Battle Creek, and the Campaign for Health Cognizance and Personal Bodily Soundness.