Gruel Recipes for the Infirm

Everyone knows that the best remedy for moderate in-home ills is gruel. An incredibly diverse food, knowing how to thriftily craft a few different gruels can also be handy if and when a certain whisky drinking husband has "accidentally" misplaced the children's lunch money whilst placing his fortnightly order of liquor growlers.

By far the most popular gruel (and tastiest, some would argue) uses pickled sweetbreads and alfalfa flour often combined with a fatty base, allowed to congeal, and eaten on a stick.

Healthful choice: a streetside gruel vendor

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Medicated PEAS Porridge (hot or cold)

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Unlike familiar pea porridges, this recipe does not actually use peas, but is a formula for a fail-safe and healthful gruel that can be made with common household herbs and chemicals found in any proper medicine hamper.

Simply select one each whose name corresponds with PEAS and mix into a pan of soaked and fermented oats, like so:

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P: pennyroyal, phosphorus (granulated), powdered ipecac, etc.

E: extract of quassia, ether, emetic agent, etc.

A: antifungals, ash powder, acetone, etc.

S: sugar of milk, strychnin sulphate, spartein, etc.

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For example, a popular mix for babies combines paraffin oil, egg powder, alkaline, and sour milk. Serve with a ramekin of Adler's Laudanum Soothing Syrup on the side for a complete worry-free morning meal.

Schoolhouse gruel tastings are always popular

Other well-loved gruels can be made with a base of sprouted rye soaked in camphor, then rinsed and mixed with sulfides and other desired ingredients.

A Short Essay Outlining the Causes of the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957

It is common knowledge that astronauts are the laziest people ever (except, of course, for babies, whose laziness outweighs that of astronauts by 1700%, which is a very large number). That is why we send them into space. They are too lazy to stay on earth, but not cute enough to charm hard-working adults into caring for them.

As you surely remember, or at least learned in school, before the inception of the Space Program, people used to have to care for astronauts in their homes: brushing their teeth, rolling them daily to avoid bedsores, and worst of all, reading the newspaper out loud.

An unfortunate family burdened with the care of four Astronauts, 1955.

All of this changed during the Anti-Astronaut Riots of 1957, when ordinary people all across the nation got really fed up all at the same time and all the astronauts were summarily rounded up and shot into space. Thus coining the term "astronaut."

What is in this Mysterious Bottle?

What is in this mysterious bottle?

Is it:

a) Dr. Splurkington's Cordial Compound for the Relief of Female Maladies and Wifely Frigidity?

b) Nox's Goat Urine, Specially Prepared with Volatile Solids for Optimum Performance in All Satanic Rituals?

c) Jaundiced Cow Milk from our unfortunate neighbors at Buttercup Dairy Farm?

d) 6 oz. Mountain Dew, 12-year vintage?

e) Mrs. Hirsute's Guaranteed Werewolf Repellant with Real Wolf Solids?

Please respond at once!
I desperately await your expertise on this delicate matter.

Mixed Meats and their Role in Neural Functioning

Brain health is as important as always, but there has been a terrifying trend of neural neglect in recent times. It has been proven, thus a true fact, that mixed meats provide the comprehensive nutrition your brain requires and are a fabulous preemptive measure against unfortunate conditions that can strike at any time. Here are some suggestions that that can be thriftily incorporated into your family’s supper repertoire.

Meat Conglomerate with Aspic-Pear Sauce

This dish of seven types of flesh stabilized with beef marrow feeds the part of your brain responsible for short-term patience, professionalism, and maths.

Pork and Offal Shavings with Sweet Headcheese Fondant

Always popular with children, this meal derives its sweetness from natural offal sugars. Its many important nutrients can improve near-sightedness, promote enzyme density and storage, and ward off seasonal pandemics.

Chipped Poultry Loaf and Livermush Spread

Easily made from any surplus poultry cuttings and chilled to form a gelatinous loaf, this dinner is perfect for strengthening weak muscles that cause post-nasal drip and encouraging the healing of minor necrotizing fasciitis wounds.

Boiled Cod Halves with Meat Slurry Sauce

This spicy dinner, packed with caloric energy, aids the flow of cerebrospinal fluid, can delay Early Onset Female Confusion Disorder, suppress wool allergies, and stunt hair growth.

Reconstituted Hog Maw Steaks with a Side of Suet Soup

A quick meal that can be stored in your pantry for years, reconstituted hog maw steaks will easily become your summer staple. The required extra chewing does wonders for strengthening a weak or diseased jaw and strips your teeth of plaque build-up and enamel.

Jellied Eel Snacks

Unfortunately, the children will want to come home from school when you start stocking jellied eels in your kitchen cupboards. A simple pine box can be easily fashioned to store several months worth of this healthful treat.

Edie Flanders-Smock, who once was the picture of health; or, a Discussion on the Importance of Whole Health

My dear friend Edie Flanders-Smock passed this week, leaving behind a life that once was the perfect example of how truly wondrous health preparations, specifically my health preparations, can be. Feeling overwhelmed by the stresses of modern housewifery, I recommended to Edie my Vigor Stimulator Dehydrated Cocain Solids for Ladies. Within days, the results astounded - Edie found herself more capable of keeping a clean house, taking several brisk health walks per hour, and managed to do a year's worth of vegetable pickling within one evening. While Edie was taking perfect care of her obstacles to healthful energy, she neglected to take other preparations to improve other organs or preemptively treat the host of conditions women are subject to. I begged her to at least take some copper salts to delay the onset of locomotor ataxia, incorporate the juggling of Indian clubs to prevent trunk weakness, or take a reasonable daily dosage of ammonium bromide and saltpeter for neural fertility. Sadly, although Edie consumed 3 pints of Vigor Stimulator Dehydrated Cocain Solids for Ladies per day, it is not meant as a cure-all. Please learn from dear Edie's negligence and remember to treat your body wholly.