What is in this mysterious bottle?
Is it:a) Dr. Splurkington's Cordial Compound for the Relief of Female Maladies and Wifely Frigidity?
b) Nox's Goat Urine, Specially Prepared with Volatile Solids for Optimum Performance in All Satanic Rituals?
c) Jaundiced Cow Milk from our unfortunate neighbors at Buttercup Dairy Farm?
d) 6 oz. Mountain Dew, 12-year vintage?
e) Mrs. Hirsute's Guaranteed Werewolf Repellant with Real Wolf Solids?
Please respond at once!
I desperately await your expertise on this delicate matter.
Was this found in your husband's "secret" whisky cabinet that he think you don't know about?
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Thoroughgood,
ReplyDeleteThe answer is clearly "C," Jaundiced Cow Milk. My expertise is normally in the field of Sripophily (perhaps you've heard of my books "Scripophily & Me: A Lifelong Bond" or the soon to be published "Scripophily & The Founding Fathers: Men of Unusual Stock"), but as a youth I grew up on a farm for jaundiced cow rehabilitation run by my stepfather, C.W.M. Midas. I became rather fond of one of the bovine and gave him the name Icarus (derived from Icterus) and even named his cow-mate Rumplestilskin for her love of straw and subsequent golden output from her utters--to which I attribute my knowledge of the answer to your riddle. I gladly appreciate your post on such matters and look forward to future submissions.
Your humble respondent,
B.T.W. Abernathy
Dear Mr. Abernathy,
ReplyDeleteYou will be undoubtedly overjoyed to learn that Mrs. Vix and I are both ardent fans of your work. In fact, when Mrs. Vix's fortunately departed husband, Alfred Umble Vix, lay on his deathbed (dying!), his fondest wish was to be read to hourly from your masterful tome. And if Mrs. Vix and I did not do the voices JUST SO, he was wont to scream and whine like an unfortunate child with enlarged adenoids. Mr. Vix was buried with his treasured collection of scripophily, although later of course they were taken by grave robbers along with poor Alfred's body.
Yours sincerely,
Mrs. Charming Thoroughgood